


Ri'han

by Bat_and_Breakfast



Series: How to say „I love you“ [2]
Category: Star Wars - All Media Types
Genre: Espionage, F/F, First Meetings, Love at First Sight, POV Original Character, Trust Issues, i really don't know how to tag this
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-06
Updated: 2018-04-06
Packaged: 2019-04-19 07:12:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,625
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14232021
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Bat_and_Breakfast/pseuds/Bat_and_Breakfast
Summary: This isn't a fluff story. This is a story about love and hope and hurt, about trust and change and decisions.





	Ri'han

**Author's Note:**

> This is another story using a writing prompt from "The ways you said "I love you"." I'll let you know which one I used at the end of the story. I really don't know how to tag this without disclosing too much of the way this will go, hopefully you won't mind.
> 
> Also it might become clear that I don't really know how com devices and decoders work, but if I am able to write this whole thing on my mobile, hopefully a com unit in the Star Wars Universe will be able to be used the way it is used during the story.

I met her at one of those functions. It must have been some kind of „Save the Womp Rats“ thing or something like this. Of course I wasn’t there to save small furry creatures by throwing money at some mildly charismatic somebody rallying for them. My purpose of the evening was to make money and by making, yes, I mean stealing. I was doing all right and had already stashed some goodies away as she walked into the banquet room and instantly caught my eye. Little did I know that it was her job to do just that. Not to catch my eye though, but another pair of eyes. I still wonder if anyone in that room on that evening was even interested in the critters to save, because she was there to meet her contact and well, her contact was there to give her something she needed and he would be payed for. So that made at least three of us not going with the agenda.

I have to admit that I froze and stared at her. Not a thing a good thief should do, but I just couldn’t help myself. She was a sight for sore eyes and in this room full of bland women and fat old men even more so. She was older than I, tall and slim, taller than I and taller than even a good part of the men. Not slimmer than I though, but my slimness is routed in my inability to provide myself with food three times a day, while hers looked like being intentional. Her dress did show all of this, it fitted her like a glove and on top of that its color matched the color of her hair, both different shades of a deep violet. She made her way through the room, various patrons noticing her. The SE8 service droid that showed her the way, advised her of her seat. She sat down and focused her attention on the long-winded speech someone was giving on stage. I finally snapped back into focus, glad that she didn’t knock me out of my wits the moment I had my fingers in a purse that wasn’t strictly speaking mine.

I wanted to make some more money, had every intention to do so, but I just couldn’t keep my eyes off her while circling the room for unsuspecting patrons. After a while she stood up, walked over to one of the bars and ordered a drink. One of those men, definitely neither tall nor slim and not young either, approached her. I instantly felt jealous of him. They spoke for a while. He gestured at her with his glass, spilled some wine, wiped it up with a napkin he produced from his pocket, but she never even so much as smiled at him and after some time he got the message and made himself scarce. I couldn’t help, but snigger at his vain attempt to woo her. Then she did a funny thing, namely she picked up that guys napkin and had a good look at it. I reeled back in disgust. What kind of sick play would make someone pick up a used napkin from such a douchebag? That was exactly the moment our eyes met. I probably still looked taken aback and she looked like she was caught with her hand in a cookie jar. Not that I would compare a guy’s used napkin to a cookie, mind you. She got up and came at me and I relied on my tested behavior while being confronted, turned around and got out of the room as fast as possible without actually running.

I didn’t come far. The moment I got outside the building a guy stepped into my way and grabbed my shoulder. He had a grip like a Wookie and as I already mentioned, I am more Loth-cat than Talz. I just got ready to start wailing as loud as possible to draw attention to us as I heard a woman’s voice behind me telling the man to let go off me. “Don’t you see that you are hurting her? I just wanted to have a word with her, not have her mangled.“ He eased his grip, but didn’t let go off me all the way. The woman from the bar entered my line of sight. She was even more fascinating at close quarters. She had the bluest eyes I had ever seen and she actually smiled at me. I don’t know what happened to me in that moment, maybe I had a stroke or some other hidden medical condition came to light precisely in that second, because I couldn’t help myself, but to smile back at her. I don’t smile. Never. Smiles make you seem to be likable, then explorable and ultimately weak.

“You aren’t with the First Order, are you?“, she asked, the most unbelievable of all the questions she could have chosen. I didn’t know if I should laugh at her face or just snarl at her. I decided that sarcasm might suit me fine. „Certainly I am! I just forgot my uniform at the barracks, lady. So it would be better for your companion to let go off me. Sure my comrades will come to my aid any minute.“ I said with a wide grin. The guy behind me made a harrumphing noise. „Seems like we got ourselves a comedian,“ he addressed the woman. “Better a comedian than a spy,“ she told him with a wry smile. “I am Amilyn Holdo.“ She looked at me and offered me her hand. She offered me her hand and I actually took it. One more proof that I wasn’t myself at that time. I took her hand and the moment our fingers touched I felt like I took a jolt licking a battery to proof it was charged. I barely could stop myself from smiling once more. “And you are…?“ Amusement appeared on her face. “None of your business,“ I replied gruffly. For a moment she gave me an inquiring look. “Maybe we can change that? I actually need another business associate around here. I’ve recently been told that I should have a look at the sights of this wonderful city, but I think I require a guide to get to all the right places.“ She must have signaled the guy or something, because he finally let go off me.

I just stood there and gaped at her. Wonderful city? The sights? All the right places? I didn’t see her drink that much at the bar, but nobody sane would list things like that while talking about this sinkhole of a city. She had to be dead drunk without really showing it. “The sights…,“ I finally managed to say, my voice laden with irony. “Well, there would be the barracks… and the cantinas… the brothels, maybe, but you would have to tell me your preferences beforehand, so I can choose the right ones. The banquet hall and casino you already know, but you could go to the races. And the castle, but that’s just been sitting there for ages, nobody cares about it anymore and it’s off limits by council’s rule.“ “The castle sounds fun.“ Her face was all earnestness and if I hadn’t been one of the best bullshitters in the whole kriffing town, I could have almost believed her. “You want to see the castle,“ I made clear. “Well, it really sounds interesting, all the history and so on. Besides that, if we could go by night, I might have a look at the stars from there.“

“You want to look at the stars. At night. At the castle.“ I sounded like a Pylat bird, repeating every word its owner taught it. “The star gazing would be additional. Foremost I require to visit the castle. Preferably at a time nobody might interrupt my sightseeing ambitions.“ The last sentence was spoken with great determination. Our eyes met and I saw a lot of resolve in hers. Normally I don’t care about people. Caring about others leads to ties with others and ties will lead you to take risks for others and taking risks will lead to you to be hurt. So I just stopped caring some time ago. With her, I didn’t know what I was to do.

“My schedule is kind of full at the moment.“ I tried a meager excuse of a refusal. “Really?“, she said, raising an eyebrow. I looked up at her. Those eyes… that face, that hair. I was absolutely kriffed and I knew it. I just couldn’t accept it right away. I fell for women before, but that had been some childish fantasies, not to be compared to the feeling that churned inside of me right now. I would show her the castle, if she wanted to. I would show her the barracks, I would show her every single cantina if she wished to. I would draw a line with the brothels, though. She didn’t seem to be that kind of person anyway. If it became apparent that she was seeking a sexual adventure, I was sure that I could find another way to keep her entertained. Hell, I already smiled at her and let her take my hand. If I held on to this pace, we could be married in a fortnight latest.

“So… there is no time like the present.“ I gave in and gazed at the night sky above us. “Seems like there even is a decent amount of stars to look at right now.“ She gave me a nod and looked at her companion. “You go back and take care of the ship.“ He started to protest, but she cut him short. “You take care of the ship because I actually might send you some interesting… star constellations. It would be best, if they could be sent to the… other people interested in the stars right away. I can’t do this from the castle and my personal com.“ He grumbled, nodded, threw a warning glance at me and turned away from us. “Let’s go,“ she said as she turned my way.

The castle was sitting right in the middle of the city. It stood there silently and brooding, like it resented every step the city took towards the future with every stone it was built with. It wasn’t big, but it had style. Most things around here lacked that for sure. I slept there a few times when life got rough and money got too tight to be wasted on comfort. I didn’t feel save there, though. For one reason or another, entering the castle had been forbidden by the local council a few years ago and patrols roaming the streets might decide to go there on a whim. I was never one to be happily roused from sleep, even less from a group of uniformed guys likely to throw you into the gutter after giving you a good kicking.

“Follow me,“ I whispered to my companion. She stood right behind me, her side pressed to the wall to better blend with the shadows around us. I thought that I could almost feel her breath on my neck and I imagined better circumstances for a feeling like this. I really had to get a grip. Wouldn’t do us any good to walk right into a patrol because I was too starry-eyed to keep myself firmly routed in reality. “There’s a small entrance by the side of that wall. It will appear to be locked, but it can be moved. The stones at the side crumbled and weren’t repaired thoroughly enough.“ I heard her whisper a low “Ok“ back at me and so I started to make my way towards the entrance. As I told her, we were able to slip inside. She looked around, tried to get her bearings in this unfamiliar place, gave up on that and asked me where the inner courtyard wall might be. “Come along,“ I advised her, knowing which wall she meant. After a few minutes we made it there without incident. A sliver of moonlight diffused the inky darkness around us, dipping the wall in front of us into a dark and silvery grey. Holdo had a calculated look at it, stepped towards a section to her right and let her hands glide over some of the stones. Suddenly her face lit up and she couldn’t stop herself from uttering a muted “Hooray!“ Her fingers glided into a small gap and came back holding something. She turned to me with a wide smile on her face. “Got it!“, she exclaimed joyously, showing me a datacard. She put the card into her com and obviously started to download the data, most likely simultaneously sending it to grumpy guy. I would bet a months rations on the fact that this had nothing to do with star constellations, but I didn’t really care what this was about. I thought about asking her, but I didn’t want to risk a brush off, didn’t want to be lied to. As far as I was concerned, she wasn’t with the local government and she wasn’t with the First Order and that was all that mattered to me. Instead of pestering her with questions, I became entranced by her again, loosing myself in her sight, her face lit up by the light of the com display, the smile still on her lips. I already pointed out that this wasn’t the best thing to do and I got the chance to tell myself that I told me so by the next moment, when a guy’s voice rang out to us in the dark. “Hey, you there. What are you doing here? This is the patrol, drop all weapons and remain standing there with your hands raised.“

She immediately locked her com. I looked at her and we both whipped around simultaneously. Without speaking we started towards our point of entry, both of us determined not to get caught. The patrol didn’t expect us to do so, because the locals are like nerfs when they are checked by authority. I never saw someone protest even mildly while faced with a patrol, not to mention trying to escape. Lucky for us we made it outside while they were still figuring out how to follow us. We started to run as soon as our feet touched the pavement. Behind us shouts started to echo through the street, but I was pretty sure that we weren’t followed. They just wanted to act like they knew what they were supposed to do. I even thought that they didn’t really get a look at us. It had been dark in the castle and the com light had not been that bright. We ran a while for good measure, though. Finally we stopped, almost collapsing on the ground. “I can’t do this anymore,“ Holdo gasped between gulps of air. I forgot that she was definitely older than me, plus she was wearing that dress. Really nice to look at, but no use while avoiding unwanted company by running. “I don’t think that they got a good look at us, do you?“ she finally asked me. “I don’t think so. It was really dark and we were gone so fast.“ “That is good.“ She looked relieved and even managed to smile at me. “I have to get back to my ship and leave here as soon as possible.“ She must have sensed some change in my posture or maybe she planned to ask her next question all along. “Do you have something that holds you here?“ I was kind of startled by that. Should I tell her that I have been on my own for the last fifteen years? Would this make her pity me? I couldn’t stand to be pitied by her. “This city is my home, so…“ I replied after a few seconds passed, not really answering her at all. She looked at me in earnestness “I have to thank you for your help. It would have taken me a lot longer to get in there on my own and I don’t know if I could have evaded capture by the locals. So I wondered… would you like to get away from here? I could take you with me. You could stay with me or you could go your own way after a while, if that was what you wanted.“

A whole new life sprang up right before my eyes. I would leave this kriffing planet for good. I would stay with Holdo. I wouldn’t have to say goodbye to her. I wouldn’t be alone anymore and I suspected that I wouldn’t have to go hungry or sleep rough anymore either. The prospect of this, of a life much easier than now and with her by my side, too, made my hands sweat. So, naturally for me, I declined. I’ve never been someone to be dependent on others. Hadn’t been for a long time. She looked at me like she understood. It was kind of a sad look, almost bordering on the pity I hated so much, but from her it wasn’t as bad as from others. “Then our paths will part for now,“ she said seriously. I just nodded and turned away from her as she reached out and touched my shoulder. I spun around, maybe hoping for whatever. The chances that she would just grab and kiss me were slim, unless she had been able to read my mind. “You have yet to tell me your name.“ I gave her a small smile, while I made a few steps away from her. I turned towards the next corner, but before I rounded it, I looked back at her “Ri’han. My name is Ri’han.“ She nodded, still looking so serious. “I’m glad we’ve met, Ri’han. It is bay B48/1, if you change your mind.“ With that she turned around and started to make her way back to the spaceport. I just stood there for a moment, watching her go. After a while I forced myself to round the corner I had been standing at. I had made the right decision, I told myself. It is never good to be dependent on others. I would totally be at her mercy while being on board of her ship and most likely even after. No good things come by being at someones mercy. I rounded another corner, when I came to my senses. I was a kriffin’ idiot! This woman had offered me a new live and I turned her down, just because I didn’t trust anyone except myself. Maybe it was time for a change, for some trust to enter my life after all. I ran to my current hideout and threw the few things I owned and cared for into a pack. Then I ran like I had never run before towards the spaceport, desperately hoping that she wouldn’t be gone already. I finally reached bay B48/1 and there stood a sleek, but not too boisterous ship with its ramp open. I let out an involuntary sigh.

As I made my way on board, I planned to lecture her on basic security measures. This was just too easy to be acceptable. I didn’t notice grumpy guy around, but I heard another woman’s voice coming from the main deck. I carefully tiptoed towards the voice. Holdo stood in my line of sight, watching a holo vid of another woman with such intent, that I decided not to interrupt her. The women seemed to be her age. She had this cool hair and this awesome dress and she looked kind of regal to me, like she was used to getting her way, but she also looked tired. “We got all we need, thanks to you, Lyn. I hope everything is all right with you and I’m waiting for you to come back to base. I miss you and I will feel better when I know that you are safely back with me. Please come back safe and sound as soon as possible.“ Holdo pressed a button and played the last part again. She looked at the other women with such focus, she wouldn’t have noticed me if I stood there in full stormtrooper armor. “I love you,“ she said, even though that damn holo vid couldn’t hear and the woman in that vid couldn’t either. I looked at her face in that moment and I knew that I didn’t stand a chance. She was absolutely and totally kriffin’ in love with that woman. Whatever I would ever be to her, I couldn’t compete with feelings like that. Bile rose up in my throat and my head swam. I had to get out of there, had to get away from her. I grabbed my pack and silently made my way to the ship’s exit. It had been fun while it lasted, but life had shown me again and again that the only person one should rely on is the one you look at in the refresher mirror every day, provided that you are lucky enough to own a refresher mirror. She didn’t notice me, hadn’t noticed my arrival at her ship and didn’t notice my departure, too. She would probably assume that I didn’t show up at all, that I wasn’t interested in going with her. Or maybe she did not waste a thought about me and had already began to forget me.

I would forget her, too. Until then I had to bide my time and work on stifling my feelings. Love stank, I told myself. Someday, hopefully not to far away in the future, I might even come to believe me.

**Author's Note:**

> Now that Ri’han’s story has come to an end (for now), I’d like to disclose the prompt I used this time: “The way you said ‘I love you’, but not to me.” I didn’t intend to use this prompt, but Ri’han just sprang from the pages one night.


End file.
